I just. what. okay. I am feeling terribly inferior right now. Like I squandered every fucking opportunity again and this just plunges me deeper into sadness.

Not a single connection this weekend.

It was fun; I'm glad I went but I just... haay. There is no satisfied feeling after, the way I usually feel about the aftermaths of going to events such as these. Why? I think, ultimately, it is because of this lack of connection. I crave connection, goddamit. To feel really close to a person... Instead I feel very superficial, very self-conscious. I think the problem is that I am just too damn afraid of being vulnerable. Or rather, how much vulnerability I should share to others, and of course, this is all relative depending on our closeness. I am afraid of misjudging, of showing too much when less is more, so instead I tend to close off. Finish all conversations before they go  deeper. Not starting conversations at all. Why do I suck at this? I always tell myself to practice, I know I need to practice, but whenever the opportunity arises I just blank out and let the chance pass by. I am so afraid.. 

I am afraid that even when I do show vulnerability, that I wouldn't feel the closeness I crave anyway. And thus, I try to avoid it - as long as I have an excuse that I am not close to people, there is still hope  that if I do this one little thing, it will all be okay. I cling to that hope, and that's why I am averse to showing vulnerability: because when this excuse is gone, what do I have left? What else to do to feel closer to people?

I want to share myself but it's probably because I deem myself unimportant, that it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thoughts have so much power over us, and vice versa. 

I am jealous of this person, and she is supposed to be my best friend. I am jealous that she will be closer to these people, the people that I know longer than her, and she will like them more, much more than she likes me. And they will like her more, they probably already do. I want to get to know them better than she knows them.  Why does this feel like a competition between me and her, a competition which I'm the only aware participant? I understand that this is a very, very petty, gradeschool-like concern, who the fuck cares who likes or knows each other more? I hate that it bothers me and I hate that I feel this way.

I just want to feel more connected to people.