30 days of 15-minute rambles okay? Make it a habit because yes. Start with three things you're thankful for. Today, it's:

A phone

MONEY

and coffee.

Got the cheque encashed, and I'm feeling pretty rich at the moment. Haha I wonder how long this will last. D: Paid some credit card balance so that's another yay. BUT I HAVEN'T DONE MUCH WORK again... Too much idle time happening.

Going to a party tomorrow. I am scared. Because parties usually make me apprehensive, the introvert that I am. And then I remember my life rule: Dress and show up. Plus, it's a good crowd. Plus plus, he's gonna be there. Plus plus plus, food. 

And photography.

Naiimpatient na ako magpadevelop okay. I have shots since August. I want to know what it looks like already gerremit. Naeexcite na ko sa kalalabasan ng Portra. Naeexcite na natatakot coz I know my shots in that particular batch were crappy. Plus may 2+ akong nasayang na shots watisstupid.

But still.

I'm thinking mas sustainable talaga tong film in the long run. Because who the hell wants 600 pictures of the same event. Wala na kong storage space full of crappy pics and I am having a hard time deleting things because what if I get to use them, someday, ages and ages hence? But I really need to unclutterfy the hard drives D: Okay I need to print stuff. I realize that my baby pictures are still with me, and not pictures from '06-'10, because those pictures in a real, physcial album WERE FUCKING PRINTED. Those that weren't, perished along with the hard drive. So lesson: print your fucking pictures. And meanwhile, upload to the cloud or something. Do both.

I'm feeling up and down lately. One minute I'm so ;ALDSKFA;SDKFJ EXCITED and the next I just want to lie down and sleep the day off. The hell is wrong. I'm pretty excited for the weekend though but only if this job gets done oh please do the fucking job already you asshole D: IT IS NOT GOING TO DO ITSELF

I just want to be a better person. So. What to do. I'm going to try being more honest, being more vulnerable. Embrace my imperfections lalala. But how to do that while at the same time put my best foot forward? Naturally your imperfections are in the other foot. Put my best smile forward nalang, I have crappy feet anyway.

And here's another change I should do: Whenever I see him the first time in an event, smile the fuck at him. Make eye contact. YOU ARE GOING NOWHERE UNLESS YOU DO THIS

And then don't give a fuck. Pretend you don't give too much of a fuck para walang pressure and wala ring pressure sayo and just go live out your life

Ang petty talaga ng mga problems ko in life. Gahd I am so fortunate and I'm squandering what I've been given, especially my job. Why can't I do this shit in time? Why do I have to wait til the last fucking minute, and then negotiate for more minutes? No one is happy with this setup.

I'm gonna give myself a breather.

I just. what. okay. I am feeling terribly inferior right now. Like I squandered every fucking opportunity again and this just plunges me deeper into sadness.

Not a single connection this weekend.

It was fun; I'm glad I went but I just... haay. There is no satisfied feeling after, the way I usually feel about the aftermaths of going to events such as these. Why? I think, ultimately, it is because of this lack of connection. I crave connection, goddamit. To feel really close to a person... Instead I feel very superficial, very self-conscious. I think the problem is that I am just too damn afraid of being vulnerable. Or rather, how much vulnerability I should share to others, and of course, this is all relative depending on our closeness. I am afraid of misjudging, of showing too much when less is more, so instead I tend to close off. Finish all conversations before they go  deeper. Not starting conversations at all. Why do I suck at this? I always tell myself to practice, I know I need to practice, but whenever the opportunity arises I just blank out and let the chance pass by. I am so afraid.. 

I am afraid that even when I do show vulnerability, that I wouldn't feel the closeness I crave anyway. And thus, I try to avoid it - as long as I have an excuse that I am not close to people, there is still hope  that if I do this one little thing, it will all be okay. I cling to that hope, and that's why I am averse to showing vulnerability: because when this excuse is gone, what do I have left? What else to do to feel closer to people?

I want to share myself but it's probably because I deem myself unimportant, that it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thoughts have so much power over us, and vice versa. 

I am jealous of this person, and she is supposed to be my best friend. I am jealous that she will be closer to these people, the people that I know longer than her, and she will like them more, much more than she likes me. And they will like her more, they probably already do. I want to get to know them better than she knows them.  Why does this feel like a competition between me and her, a competition which I'm the only aware participant? I understand that this is a very, very petty, gradeschool-like concern, who the fuck cares who likes or knows each other more? I hate that it bothers me and I hate that I feel this way.

I just want to feel more connected to people. 

I like kids. Or rather, I like the idea of liking kids. I'm afraid that when thrust into the teaching situation, I won't know what to do, and that I'll fail. I don't want to fail at this. But I won't know until I try.

I want to gain their trust. I want to be able to inspire them, to show them the beauty of the country and the world outside gadgets. I want them to play. I want them to to care. I want them to be kids.

I want to show them clear night skies; I want to show them the stars and the planets and the moon up close. I want them to hike up mountains, to feel the wind on their cheeks once on top. I want them to go underwater, and appreciate the marine life that hugs the country. I want them to be able to swim with confidence. I want to show them beauty, so much beauty that will inspire them to maintain it, or better yet, improve it. I want them to realize how connected we all are.

I want to show them good manners. I want them to be able to say, "please" and "thank you". I want them to learn how to listen. I want them to be respectful of everyone. 

I want to show them that they are loved. I want them to love back.

I keep getting distracted by things I'd rather be doing. Like brainstorming/writing a tv script. Or editing pictures. Or searching the web for the least expensive but ideal underwater photography gear. And then reading reviews about it. Or fantasizing about the ideal Cebu trip. To go or not to go? Reserved a flight. I am rollercoasting between yes and no. I want to. I miss it. I want to travel plan again. But should I?

Haven't watched BrBa in days. This shall be my reward when all this is done. But how can it be done if I'm not doing it -_- Very wise. Galit na ang boss. He is impatient, and I am as well. I just want to do my part time job already but I cannot because this freelance thing is not yet over, and it makes me feel guilty when I do other things not related to it. Except when these "other things" are those that I like doing (see above). The regret comes after.

Watched a telenovela this evening, Annaliza. Wat. It's crap. Protagonist spent about 15 minutes crying her heart out. Seemed more like a whole hour. Enough already. I get the point of the whole scene. The crying is way, way excessive. Aaand the point of this scene has been reiterated in the previous scenes. Girl doesn't want to go live with her parents so sobrang clingy niya sa adoptive dad niya. This, scene after scene. Ugh.

Gusto ko maging Lena Dunham - writer, director, actor - of a hit tv show. Ok not actress, keri na yung writer director hahaha at ang bata pa niya k! Only 3 years older and she has already achieved so much @_@. I am lagging way behind my peers.

To go or not to go...

I am excited. I think I'll go. :)

Masskara Festival is on the same weekend... so why not? :)

Giddy with excitement nanaman ako. Pero shet mga 400 pala one way cebu to bacolod? lerks. So all in all mga 2k din magagastos ko just for vehicle expenses. Not good. :(

Perfection. That's all I really want right now. The perfect life, with the perfect tools. Be the perfect being. 

I've been reading about this guy with a folding bike and he was talking about his perfect foldie and I got thinking about mine. Gahd the perfect bike would be light, less than 7 pounds (please, universe!), as sturdy as a 26" wheel mountain bike when unfolded but folds more compact-ly than a brompton. It should fold and unfold in no more than a minute and will not cost more than 10k. Yes that would be perfection. And it needs to have six or more gears.

And now the perfect camera: waterproof up to 50m, has awesome macro AND wide angle capabilities, can shoot raw, full frame sensor, can attach dome port, could attach film back. HAHAHA ok ewan ko talaga paano ito mangyayari. Plus shoot HD video in RAW. Yung Blackmagic pocket cinema video + gh2 rendering. And all these should be in a light, compact camera, NEX size and weight. HAHAHA. AND A VIEWFINDER AND FLIP OUT LCD PLEASE :))))

What is mapangarap. Hahaha. Shall continue this perfection fantasy later..

Okay I'm seeing the light at the end of this really, really, lightmonth tunnel and that's good but then it's still a long way to go. Gotta give it one more day of PUSH... or else I'm really screwed.

what to write what to write. Typhoon sucks; trip got cancelled, something I have been excited for during the past week, but safety first. Well blessing in disguise na rin because my phone line got disconnected when I needed it the most (for the trip), so ok lang na hindi natuloy because it would seriously stress me out kapag wala pa kong phone line during the trip. Hassle lang na andami kong nasayang na time for the trip that would be cancelled. Minsan gusto mo nalang din makita yung future no? Para di ka nalang nagcommit in the first place. HAHA. Pero sige na nga can't do anything about that, next time sana ako parin maghandle nung trip.

Grabe na talaga yung irresponsibility ko. Months na kasi yung phone line at pinabayaan ko lang siya, shoved the i-should-pay-my-bill-already nagging thoughts at the back of my head and buried them six feet under piles of gv travel thoughts. Ayan tuloy hahahaha wala ka nang pera now

I need to get my bike fixed one month na siyang nakatengga sa bahay okay WHAT THE HELL IS THAT. Idle asset. Ugh kaya lang wala na nga pala akong pera pampaayos because the budget for that went to the phone bill which I should have paid way earlier. Ambobs

Now how to get out of this other trip, well hindi pa naman sure pero gahd wala na kong pera and I don't want to admit that to them. Especially since I plan on pursuing the Ceb trip... I feel shitty kasi I keep on postponing and setting the dates at hindi naman pala ako makakadeliver. WTF

I need Globe tattoo why the hell did I even bring that to Malaysia?? Watisstupid ayan tuloy wala na akong mobile innernet and I can't really afford one right now. D: Hayayay tama pa ba 'tong ipupursue kong trip. Grabe naman kasi ako magbook nabigyan lang ng idea slight, book na agad. My rationalization hamster says "BUT THE RT TICKETS WERE SO CHEAP HOW CAN I NOT" but it's not a very wise decision lang talaga haha impulsive much.

Ok tama na ang rants, get back to work. Bitch.

WHOA I MISSED WRITING YESTERDAY!! There goes my do something for 30days rule. Ohwell papel.

Today sucks. I am not yet done and I didn't go to my booked trip, because I am not yet done with work. I suck. I should have been there, right now, celebrating with them. Instead I'm here mourning about this again.

Ang sakit nanaman ng ulo ko I think it's for underuse. I am not thinking anymore WTF. That or too much computer I've been staring at this fucking screen for the past week and WTH I AM NOT YET DONE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Sawang-sawa na ko, umay na umay na ko sa ginagawa ko I need an out :(

Set a deadline for myself again because I agreed to do my friend a favor. Dapat matapos na to tomorrow at noon or else I'm screwed and he's screwed. HAY BAKIT BA KASI ANTAGAL KO GUMAWA. Konti nalang naman na, nakikita ko na ang katapusan pero parang anlayo pa :( This sucks. Gusto ko lumabas. Go on a trip or something. But NO this week should be dedicated to werk because. I. am. so. grepa. AND I JUST WASTED 1,223PHP FOR THE FLIGHT I DID NOT TAKE. MY HEART CREYS

WALA NA NGA AKONG PERA ANG LAZY KO PA. AND WALA AKONG PERA KASI ANG LAZY KO. WHAT IS THIS

Hayayay the only thing to do now is concentrate and just stop being fucking distracted. And then go deliver some godawesome work, yung tipong they'll pay 100k because they love it so much. HAHA asa naman pero hay gusto ko na talaga matapos.

Andami ko nang rants, 3 things I'm thankful naman:

- Conspi. Tatay brought some home. YUM.
- Ate a turkish dinner something, parang shawarma but better. It has cheese. At manamis namis yung bread. I like!! 
-A chance to help somebody! HAHA. Riiiight. That's why I should get this fucking thing done.

HAY I JUST WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE AND TAKE SO MANY FUCKING PICTURES BUT I CANNOT AND THIS SUCKS BUT IT'S MY FAULT AND SO I SHOULD JUST SUCK IT UP.

Gah I am so frustrated with myself :(

More than the sea, more than the short, fun-because-of-the-people-i'm-with trip, more than the moonset and the crows (?) and the infinity pool swim, it was those two brief moments with him that made me thankful that I'm here, and that I did not push through with the trip. Those two meetings made everything okay.

I gathered my courage and initiated the visit; weighed my options and consequences and the scale tipped to positive, so I resolved to go ahead and just do it.  I was afraid, I was petrified ang drama hahaha pero buti nalang I caught my wits and not backed out when I was at the door. Worst thing that could happen is that he wasn't there (and then so what? Then he'll know I dropped by... and then, nothing. Wala namang negative effects masyado). Best thing is, magsabay kami umuwi hahaha pero what happened was the next best thing, I guess. Opening the door and actually going through it turned a what-was-supposed-to-be 30 minute boring, unproductive wait into a light, happy, smile-inducing GV conversation. :) 

I was looking back on how I came up with the decision. Magpapanotaryo dapat ako but then after 30mins pa babalik yung magnonotarize, and so I had nothing to do but kill time. His office was beside it so naisipan kong tumambay nalang dun kesa magpausok sa kalsada. Ang weird ko talaga siguro mag-appear any-any but I didn't have my phone with me so a surprise visit it is! HAHAHA. Glad I did, I pat you on the back, self. :) Anyway, mabalik nga. When I make a decision, I weight the pros and cons. I visualize a line, and the midpoint is zero, but the numbers on the left are the negative ones and the ones on the right are the positive ones. Ewan ko bat baliktad yung number line ko pero ganun ko siya naiimagine. So halimbawa may decision, titimbangin ko kung gano kalala yung worst possible thing na mangyayari and then I assign it a negative number and plot it on my imaginary number line. And then gagawin ko naman yun sa best case scenario, and instead of a negative number, positive number siya. For example, yung worst case scenario is -2, and the best case scenario is a positive 5. And then imemeasure ko yung length nung line na maccreate ko with those two points and then hahanapin ko yung midpoint. Kung yung midpoint ay positive, go for it. Kung negative, don't do it! to whoa magisip isip ka girl, depending on how far the negative number is from zero. HAHAHA ang labo ko magexplain wth and I could probably explain this with a few words but whatever. So yung sa kanina, worst case scenario is -2, best case scenario is Aa 10. so midpoint ng dalawang yun ay 8. Diba? So it's pretty much positive, go for it. Kung halimbawa naman, yung trip to my beloved province. Worst possible scenario is -15, best case is 14. So negative yung midpoint pero so close to zero, kaya mag-isipisip ka ang drama, tilting towards don't do it. And I didn't. So yun.

My baby cousins are here, huhu they're asleep beside me, sooooo kayooot. Andito rin si Tita from abroad. We ihad good paella dinner and muhroomburger pancit and some roasted chicken. Mmmm. Ngayon ang iniisip ko ay anong film ang gagamitin ko to shoot my baby cousins <3

Dami ko nang sinabi. Kelangan kong gumising bukas ng super aga to get my license back. Waw at last. HAHAHA @_@ Sana successful tomorrow.

Things I'm thankful for: my baby cousins, the safe trip, those meetings :)

Yesterday was get-your-license-day-no-matter-what. Achievement unlocked: YESSSS SA WAKAS!!! However, I spent more than I expected to. Again, self: pay your fucking bills asap gorramit. I had a pending color coding ticket and had to troop all the way to MMDA in Guadalupe from East Ave, just to pay the fucking 300-peso ticket. Well I *knew* I had an unpaid ticket but goddamn, I just assumed that I could pay on the spot or something. Apparently, things don't work like that. Hindi ba pwedeng i-link ang bayad grabe ha. And then, sa MMDA bawal ang shorts and tsinelas, so tadah! I had to rent pants and shoes for a fucking 50pesos each. TANGINA ANG MAHAL AH! Then I hated myself because I shouldn't have allowed myself to be duped in this scheme, dapat nakiusap na ako agad dun sa office and asked for alternatives. Pero ang unassertive ko talaga sometimes which makes me hate myself so much. So naiyak ako sa katangahan ko. Inis na inis talaga ko sa sarili ko puta. Nanggigigil nanaman ako sa sarili ko while writing this. Ohwell get the fuck over it, self. Buti nalang mababait naman yung mga tao sa loob so mej kumalma naman na ako. Haay. Afterwards, I thanked the employee who was kind to me and I felt a lot better. Always repay kindness with kindness!

May system slowdown pa sa LTO so antagal magvalidate/release ng card choba. Without the guadalupe thing, the renewal took me 3 hours. It was a lot of waiting at kelangan pa kong picturan ulit wtf, eh katatapos ko lang umiyak nun okay so maga-maga level pa yung mata ko and I really wasn't at my best. HAHAHA TAE.

Nakakakilig na may license na ako ulit after 10 months of not having one. Why I only got one now, when it would take me only a day, I have no fucking idea. Last-minute is my middle name, which I really am trying to change now. Reality check: mas stressful talaga ang procrastinated stuff do you not learn haynako self.

Nung pag-uwi pa, natagusan ako nambonggz. Bag can't even cover it decently. Wala akong extra napkin and I thought kakayanin naman hanggang sa pag-uwi ko sa bahay. But then pagbaba ko sa jeep I felt so wet. And not in a good way hahaha. Urgh. Nung tinignan ko sa banyo shet. Para akong may puddle of blood sa pwetan. As in high school level na tagos. Super halata. First time ko ulit natagusan nang ganito. Napa-taxi tuloy ako nang wala sa oras :(  Sarap magtaxi. The convenience is lurrve. And ansakit talaga ng puson ko kahapon. Haay the pains of being a reproductive female.

So that was last Friday. Yesterday, the special thing was dinner with the team. The frenchies are back, and they are love, as usual. Good company, god I missed them! We ate at Tosh and a cafe in Maginhawa, na may shelves with lots of books comics and a couch. Parang comfy library plus cafe. But then the other side of the wall were picture frames, as in picture frames lang with the corresponding default frame pictures inside. Yung tipong kabibili mo lang sa store nung frame and then they decided to screw it in the wall. Yung may nakasulat pang "4x5 photo", mga ganun. Yung iba pang frames iba yung orientation: yung landscape nakaportrait, yung portrait nakalandscape. Lerks. So we decided to have some fun and tape some artwork in the artwork-less frames. :)))) Sana hindi nila tanggalin.

Grabe yung cookie clicker I think I've been running it for more than 24 hours now. :))) THERE CAN ALWAYS BE MORE COOKIES ang motto. Nagiging cookie monster mode ata lahat ng naglalaro nun eh. I love how you can just leave it and then when you come back andami mo nang pera and you go on a buying spree. And then you leave it again. Huhu is this what having a passive income is like? I want. LOLOLOL okay kahit isang cookie lang give me cookie plz

Ang dami ko nanamang ginastos today, for dinner and for coffee wow yan ba ang tipid mode? 260 for pasta and 80php for coffee tada wala nanaman akong pera. But then minsan lang naman 'to so eezokay the company made up for it. Peroo ano ba teh I just wish I could've ordered more wisely, di naman talaga ako ganun ka-gutom.

Parang andami nang regrets sa post na ito, okay ito naman, gratitude stuff na:
> Thankful for the team! Always good company, them.
> Ateneo walks. Yey for exercise!
> My parents. Just because.

Ok hanggang dito nalang, must go back to cookieclicker (ay WAW).

Okay let’s see how much story I can crunch up in 30 minutes. And how many words. I am pantsing my way through this…

It was a typical morning, like this is a typical sentence. She woke up and went to the bathroom, dreading the day ahead. She stripped and started preparing the shower, and when she looked down she saw blood. Her blood. Ugh. Not today, not now. Though she was relieved, she did not like the uncomfortable feeling this will bring her. Not on the day of her date.

This is the day she has decided to break up with him. It had been lingering for so long, the Decision. It finally has to be made, and to be done. She asked him out; she doesn’t care anymore if he just went home due to overtime, or if he has a sick mother to tend to. They are going to sit through this, and she is going to say it. It has to be done today.

She chose her prettiest outfit, a flowy knee-length sleeveless dress, which shows off her collarbones. Collarbones that he has always appreciated.  She remembers as he traced his finger on it, a promising line that ends on her shoulders, and then the drop-off. That drop-off was today. She shrugged the memory off, and concentrated on her make-up. Might as well he remembers her pretty.

Her shoes. It was given by him, an anniversary present. Seven years. Seven years is a long time to be keeping a secret. Seven years is too long for a lie. The stilettos still fit her perfectly, the way his hands fit hers perfectly, the way his body fits hers perfectly. It doesn’t matter. It is all a lie.

Her cellphone rang. Gently, she pressed it to her cheeks. “Hello, honey.” This is probably the last time they’ll speak like this.

“Hey, are you sure about this? I mean, the restaurant doesn’t open ‘til 10..”

He knows.

“It has to be there, okay? We could sit on bookshop near it, I don’t care. I need to see you there.” It had to be there, on the place where it all started.

----

word count: 362. Okay, say 300 words/30 minutes (10wpm) and I need 1667words a day, that's about 2.8 hours per day of writing O_O WOW what a commitment. Haay go push.

Imaginary conversation about nanowrimo:

Friend: It's a beautiful day. Let's go out!
Me: Can't, I have nanowrimo. :( :)
Friend: Ugh, sounds like a disease. Is it contagious?
Me: Only if you have a penchance for suffering.

Bring it on! HAHAHAHAHUHU

Reasons why I'd be good for you:

1) I give good back massages. Or at least I try to.
2) I can make a mean omelette.
3) Sexual intimacy? Not a problem.
4) I'll leave you little notes, I'll visit you, I'll make time for you. I'll appreciate the hell out of you.
5) I enjoy doing all these things. 6)I clean up nice.
7) I live in the same city. Ok tayo logistics-wise.
8) I'm very hatak-able. Ano lakad? Game ako. Plus points: our hobbies overlap.
9) Family? They're great. Health? I barely get sick. Mentally? I'm pretty much normal. Not crazy. Crazy for you lang. CHOS. Wala kang proproblemahing shitty issues.
10) Pareho tayo ng level of humor.

Reasons why I won't:
1) Sun ka, globe ako.

Okay natatawa parin ako sa post na 'to.

UGH I just wrote a really, really long entry on how super cyclical my procrastination is, and how it's a habit I must stop, and then I pressed some keyboard shortcuts and the computer's keyboard behaves in ways I do not understand so all those rants have gone down the drain. Way to go, I know I should write entries in notepad or Word, why do I never learn? Frustrated with myself but no use crying over entries that have gone to electronic hell, never to be seen again. 

I should go back to work.