Meron na ulit ako, and it hurts so much. Relief dahil meron na; I thought magiging irregular ulit ako.

The day was a blur. Woke up at around 8:30, slept again at 11, woke up at 3. And then I... bummed. Now I'm cramming because it's the DEADLINE. What. I have drowned myself in coffee and GV so I hope I last the whole night working on this thing... and tomorrow morning, tomorrow afternoon, and tomorrow night. A whole week's work I shall cram into a day. Because I'm irresponsible and lazy and mediocre and demotivated but basically just supremely lazy and hedonistic and all the wrong habits I have formed in college is still manifesting. It's a wonder how I even graduated. I am losing the trust of my employers and my parents and myself but I can't seem to stop my downward spiral into lazy oblivion. What the hell. All I want to do the whole day is read and write or think about writing. I want to write a Filipino YA book. Yung series. Dati ko pa na-notice na after the Ibong Adarna children's books, wala nang books for the tweens and teens na Filipino or nasa Philippine setting so they turn to foreign materials. That's what happened to me anyway. Nung gradeschool I was hooked in series such as Sweet Valley, Baby-sitters Club, and those Newberry Medal books. Walang katumbas sa Filipino ang mga yun as far as I know. If meron, most probably stand-alone lang at walang chapter books na series na written in Filipino/Philippine setting. Meron ba? Na YA. Super sad na wala, and that's why I want to create one. Natatandaa ko nung bata ako mahilig ako gumawa ng characters. Mag-imbento ng girl barkada, each person with a different, stereotypical personality hahahaha ala Baby-sitters club. Tapos they'll go on girly adventures and solve mysteries and have light romance. :)) Oh my writer dreams. I really regret not writing in high school. Sobrang nag-rust na ako. Whereas before I know I'm a better writer than most of my classmates, today I'm an average writer at best. Nakakapanghinayang. Writing pa naman is a skill that needs constant practice, constant attention. Like any art. Like anything you want to be good at, really.

Browsed through my bookshelf and I discovered loads of must-read books na hindi ko parin nababasa. The Great Gatsby, Lord of the Flies, Watership Down, and more. A lot more. Anyare. Sayang naman at nakatambak lang sila sa bookshelf ko collecting dust. May plans din ako dati na one book per week, pero again, anyare. Oh my life. It's a very privileged one at naiinis ako kasi I'm wasting it. Sometimes I really hate myself and then hate myself more for hating myself kasi hello ano ba ang ganda ng buhay mo okay, perfect even. Ako lang yung problema. Me and my attitudes. Ugh. Ang angsty na ng post na 'to, waw parang teenager lang ha. Actually hindi ko naramdaman ang pagkateenager ko - I did not have that rebellious phase na stereotype sa teens. I go to school, I come home. I interact with people but I did not go out of my way to meet more, to do more, to be more. Nakakalungkot. Again, nakakapanghinayang.

Now what to do? June is all planned out - this month, if I do my work correctly, I'll be out of debt. And then I'll apply for a 9-5 which I hope will force me to be disciplined. Because I can't do it alone, apparently. I need an eternal flame  what! I meant external factor that will slap me out of bed in the morning. I hope that dream job is it. Good luck, self!