Today, after two years, I opened my Plurk account to see how much I've changed. Charos. Ang kadiri ko actually, I stalked myself on Twitter and Plurk with the question: If I were a guy, would I be attracted to myself, given my social media writings as basis? :)) Well, objectively (haha as if keri ko maging objective about this ano), wala naman akong sinulat or shinare na embarrassing stuff. Yung twitter ko ay puro replies lang to friends, and some sharing of links. Yung plurk ko naman, yun yung madrama ng slight, pero keri lang kasi close friends naman yung nakakakita nun. Narealize ko lang pala sa plurk, how frequent I talked to my 'barkada' (na lagas lagas na ngayon, which is sad, but that's how it is; it's for the better), and how much we are addicted to each other. Yes addicted talaga. Chos. But seriously, kung may honeymoon phase, that was it. That and multiply days. Yung neverending asaran, sagutan, kahit wala namang pinatutunguhan. It was fun. And now meron na kaming sari-sariling lives, lives that call for the occasional overnight, but ok lang kami for long times na walang contact. We're growing up. :)))

Ang loser ko this week. Tried hard to finish work, but I keep getting distracted with ze innernetz. Antanda ko na at ganito parin problema ko. Ano ba. I really need to get a 9-5 job. For the discipline. Sana open pa yung gusto kong applyan.

I have been feeling light and happy this week. Haha. Hangover sa Verde Island eh. :) What a paradise! I love the whole world MOMENTS. Shet shet di ko parin makalimutan yung nakaimprint sa mind ko na image when I was rolling in the deep (haha) to get different perspectives tas everywhere I look there are schools of fishies, passing by each other, tapos mukhang highway kasi naka-line sila. Parang EDSA ganyan, if EDSA is blue and clean and a paradise. :') HUHU NAKAKAIYAK NAKAKAKILIG NAKAKAGIGIL. :D :D 

Also, I feel light dahil na din dun sa connection I've felt with a certain person. Kelangan ko nang mag-initiate anoba. I want this to go somewhere okay. Push! :)))

I terribly miss my GH2. Nex5n keeps on overheating :< At hindi ok yung range ng lens niya to cover the perspective I want. Ang hirap mag close-up. Deads bukas. Iniisip ko tuloy kung dapat sana yung large minidv cam nalang but the thought of one whole day transferring minidvs - AAH forget it. Grabe lang yung impatience ko. Tapos naiiyak nalang ako pag naiisip ko yung GH2 languishing somewhere - when I could've been using it for documenting shiz, what with its 14-140 lens, with awesome crop sa video which lets me do extreme close-ups without getting too inyourfez. And my investment sa batteries, sa memory cards, sa lens adapter... it hurts so much. :( AND IT NEVER OVERHEATS. Yung card and battery lang limitation. I could just point and click and wait and check the frame from time to time. With the nex I have to be on my toes. Which is kinda good BUT I WANT MY GH2. :(( Bakit ba wala akong pera ang lazy lazy ko ano ba yan puro nanaman ako selfpity istaaahp self, istahp.

I should just get my life together and MESSAGE HIM FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! But mostly for yours, hihihi go doeeet. You need inspiration.

Tiring day. 10-hour shoot. Proud of both my parents! :) Galing nila magtalk, lalo na ang nanay ko na super engaging and adorable habang nagtatalk. Full of confidence and alam mong alam niya talaga mga sinasabi niya. I admire my nanay, grabe. I'm a proud, proud daughter. Nagiguilty tuloy ako dahil hindi ko siya pinapagslow down at inaalagaan ng maayos. Have to be sweet and caring, ano ba!!! Don't let your nanay tire herself out so much! Huhu. Feeling ko ang neglectful ko as a daughter. :( Tapos magttravel nanaman siya bukas, walang pahinga! My mother the superwoman. Siya na! Remind her to take care of herself okay and take better care of her, you negligent daughter!!

Ang ganda ng mga Indians. Well, they're Bangladeshi to be precise pero 'indians' would conjure more definitive visuals. :)) Sarap nilang picturan! With their colorful, layered Bangladeshi attire and headscarves (hijaab?). Ang ganda ng picture capabilities ng NEX, sana stills nalang ako, not video. E pang stills naman talaga yung camera. Nakakalerks talaga magvideo sa ganung room, may bands dulot ng light sa projector, and sa flourescent light which (ok ang loser ko!) I don't know how to reduce. Pota. Ang ginawa ko nalang is to slightly expose it pero evident parin. Takte kasira ng footage. :(  

Parang andami kong rants today? At naiinis ako sa sarili ko at hindi ko parin tapos yung project!!! PETSA NA!!!! GET IT DONE ANOBAAA :(((((((

I shall end in a GV note. Namimiss ko na siya hahaha. Weird kasi buong week nga I feel light and walang isang araw ang lumipas na hindi ko siya naisip (wtf). Never happened with previous crush. I-pursue na talaga 'to! Game na!! Para magkaalaman na rin kung ako lang ba nakaramdam ng connection hahahaha at makapagmove on na putek. Anek. Kala ko ba end in a GV note? Ohh may chocolates sa ref c/o mommeh so there's the gv. :)

It is ten minutes before tomorrow and once again, I hate myself for letting the day go by without me doing anything productive.

Bakit ba ako ganito.

So much to write pero naoovewhelm ako with this so muchness to the point na hindi ako makasulat. 

Shet one week na halos ako hindi nagsusulat dito, and I feel that I have undone everything I worked hard for the past week of consective posts. Hindi nanaman nagfflow ang words, unlike dati na nakuha ko na ang rhythm.

Constant practice.

Antaba ko nanaman. :| Should've gone to the gym pero laziness got the better of me. That, and the fact na wala na kong damit. Ay ay ay!! May major lifestyle change ako na gustong gawin: the malong attire. Simula ngayon (well next week, or basta kung kelan ako magkapera para magshop haha) I'll ditch the shorts outfit and just wear malong - in different styles. Malong or skirts. This would make me more feminine ahaha. Read some blogs about it today and apparently mej maraming nagtry niyan, with good results (they felt more feminine, more comfortable, etc). Also, narealize ko na rin na you don't need to show much skin to be perceived as beautiful. Yung mga Bangladeshi, ang gaganda and they're all covered. Gusto ko nga humiram ng outfit nila e. Need to buy some good quality malong and wear it for everyday. Ganda kaya ng designs ng mga malong natin! Plus, they're flexible. Need a dress? Malong. Need a short skirt? Malong. Need a kumot? Malong. Need a sling for your fins? Malong. I shall spread the malong love.

Today was a repeat of yesterday, though slightly better: because John Green. Watched some history crash course, read some The Fault in Our Stars. Hooked. Kinikilig ako against my wishes. I thought, based on the title, that the book was about some profound tragic community/civilization commentary, not a teenage love story. Perhaps, though, it is indeed a tragedy.. (no spoilers for me! HAHA).

Gonna see my inaanak tonight (he's probably asleep), and the rain keeps on pouring, nakakadiscourage lumabas. Oh how I wish I can teleport. Or fly. Or magically make my work (which I haven't done O_O) disappear.

What is wrong with me.

I miss the sea.

Meron na ulit ako, and it hurts so much. Relief dahil meron na; I thought magiging irregular ulit ako.

The day was a blur. Woke up at around 8:30, slept again at 11, woke up at 3. And then I... bummed. Now I'm cramming because it's the DEADLINE. What. I have drowned myself in coffee and GV so I hope I last the whole night working on this thing... and tomorrow morning, tomorrow afternoon, and tomorrow night. A whole week's work I shall cram into a day. Because I'm irresponsible and lazy and mediocre and demotivated but basically just supremely lazy and hedonistic and all the wrong habits I have formed in college is still manifesting. It's a wonder how I even graduated. I am losing the trust of my employers and my parents and myself but I can't seem to stop my downward spiral into lazy oblivion. What the hell. All I want to do the whole day is read and write or think about writing. I want to write a Filipino YA book. Yung series. Dati ko pa na-notice na after the Ibong Adarna children's books, wala nang books for the tweens and teens na Filipino or nasa Philippine setting so they turn to foreign materials. That's what happened to me anyway. Nung gradeschool I was hooked in series such as Sweet Valley, Baby-sitters Club, and those Newberry Medal books. Walang katumbas sa Filipino ang mga yun as far as I know. If meron, most probably stand-alone lang at walang chapter books na series na written in Filipino/Philippine setting. Meron ba? Na YA. Super sad na wala, and that's why I want to create one. Natatandaa ko nung bata ako mahilig ako gumawa ng characters. Mag-imbento ng girl barkada, each person with a different, stereotypical personality hahahaha ala Baby-sitters club. Tapos they'll go on girly adventures and solve mysteries and have light romance. :)) Oh my writer dreams. I really regret not writing in high school. Sobrang nag-rust na ako. Whereas before I know I'm a better writer than most of my classmates, today I'm an average writer at best. Nakakapanghinayang. Writing pa naman is a skill that needs constant practice, constant attention. Like any art. Like anything you want to be good at, really.

Browsed through my bookshelf and I discovered loads of must-read books na hindi ko parin nababasa. The Great Gatsby, Lord of the Flies, Watership Down, and more. A lot more. Anyare. Sayang naman at nakatambak lang sila sa bookshelf ko collecting dust. May plans din ako dati na one book per week, pero again, anyare. Oh my life. It's a very privileged one at naiinis ako kasi I'm wasting it. Sometimes I really hate myself and then hate myself more for hating myself kasi hello ano ba ang ganda ng buhay mo okay, perfect even. Ako lang yung problema. Me and my attitudes. Ugh. Ang angsty na ng post na 'to, waw parang teenager lang ha. Actually hindi ko naramdaman ang pagkateenager ko - I did not have that rebellious phase na stereotype sa teens. I go to school, I come home. I interact with people but I did not go out of my way to meet more, to do more, to be more. Nakakalungkot. Again, nakakapanghinayang.

Now what to do? June is all planned out - this month, if I do my work correctly, I'll be out of debt. And then I'll apply for a 9-5 which I hope will force me to be disciplined. Because I can't do it alone, apparently. I need an eternal flame  what! I meant external factor that will slap me out of bed in the morning. I hope that dream job is it. Good luck, self!

It is 4am
I embrace my solitude
Dreading the sure dawn.

"You can't see it, but since this is America, the problem here is debt.  Not credit card debt, though I suspect that's substantial too, but self-esteem debt.  They're borrowing against their future accomplishments to feel good about themselves today, hoping they'll be able to pay it back."

This. I am in loads of debt. 

From here: http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2013/05/dove.html#more

Ohgod my love handles are being really, really evident right now. :( I am in serious need of a gym session. And also a Procrastinations Anonymous, because my job is moving at cicada pace. Anek na teh, 17years ba bago ka matapos ha?? Go do eeeet!!!

Wala na kong social life dahil sa unfinished werk na ito. At nagddeteriorate na rin ang professional as well as familial relationships ko wtf. At at at hindi ako makapagjumpstart sa lovelife (more wtf). Cue watdahellamidoing 10,000 times.

Struggle magpakain at magpainom ng gamot sa cat. Ilang beses inexpel ni kitchie yung tablet hahahuhu. Hirap ha! It's not a 1-person job. Ansakit ng kalmot. :( Buti nalang napperfect ko na yung pagbukas ng bibig niya. Kawawang pusa. Still sneezes but not as frequent as before. I'm hopeful na magrerecover siya in four days. 

I love my kuya sa paghahatid samin sa vet kahapon. And I love Marikina for its lack of coding policy, woohoo. Also, ambilis lang namin sa vet, and apparently hindi pala expensive ang Marikina Veterinary Clinic compared to other vet hospitals. Super thankful na malapit lang kami dun sa clinic. Ang mahal ng gamot though, but anything for my beloved baby cat. Okay she's not a baby anymore, 48yo in human years, but I can't help but babytalk the sick kitty. Buti nalang walang lagnat, and walang other complications. She still has a long life I think. :)

This shall be my mantra.

So it is 10minutes til July and what the hell happened to the month.

Zero. Zilch. Nilch. Nada.

I'm still in the rut. But tomorrow, I shall go out. Even if it kills me with guilt. Last na labas ko ng bahay is... a week ago pa O_O as in yung legit labas, na beyond the subdivision. I need some light. And some human interaction. Baka kaya hindi ako makatrabaho, kasi hindi ako lumalabas, pero hindi ako pwedeng lumabas kasi hindi ko pa ginagawa trabaho ko? What is dis. Dahell. Just. Go out already. And message him ano. ba. 

Sporcle. What a time-consuming website. Bakit bakit bakit ba kasi ako nagbukas ng reddit. I knew it won't do me any good today! Ok wait, it did some good dahil may new goal na ko for the month of july: kabisaduhin ang buong world map. Which should've been done by third year hs hello! HAHAHA but yeah, I feel so stupid lately. Kelangan ko ng mental stimulation nambonggz. And I need to improve my memory dahil kung nakakalimutan ko lahat ng natututunan ko, paano ko sila magagamit?? Ugh I wish I could be Bean (sa Ender's Game/Shadow), para isang pasada lang natatandaan ko na lahat ng masense ko. Well pwede naman but takes practice. What did I expect.

I've been reading a lot YA lately. May mga times talaga na gusto ko ulit magpakahermit at magkulong sa kwarto and just read and read parang yung gradeschool self ko. But then gusto ko rin magtravel. Better yet, magbasa in a peaceful island somewhere. At magbasa lang ng magbasa at magsulat. Like sa Siquijor. Mmmm. Now that's a life. Or sa Coron. Or sa El Nido. Mmmmm.

But no my life is here, right now. Must focus.